in which I talk about a horrible addiction, but not the one you think

There's a whole collection of towels hanging over our shower curtain right now because my neighbor is using our shower because she's dying some costume pieces in her tub. It was really dark on my side of the curtain when I took a shower today, it was like showering in a play-fort or something.

I've spent all day watching minecraft videos. I don't own the game, so I watch someone else play it. I'm extremely boring. I watched two more complete game play-throughs yesterday by the same woman that did the Amnesia videos.

So last time I was out getting groceries I decided to give in and buy some milk. You may not know this about me, but there's something about milk that I find extremely wrong. I mean, I'll totally eat dairy products, but plain milk freaks me out. I got it because my acid indigestion has been so bad that I think I might be developing a hole in my throat. Since getting this milk, I've been like a kid with a tub of ice cream. I just can't get enough of it. I still find it gross, but I can't stop drinking it, even when my acid isn't bothering me. I'm so ashamed TT_TT

Yeah, the acid comes with the excessive drinking thing that I do. I remember an old friend of mine would mix his vodka with milk to help counteract the acid.

I'm almost positive I heard a gunshot this morning. I mean, I've heard plenty of fireworks and thought they were shots, but this did not sound like the fireworks. It also sounded like it was in the alley right behind my house.

I get this tight little knot in my chest every time I think about going out anywhere. It's mostly okay with familiar places, like the corner store, liquor store, and even the mall (for short periods of time), but the idea from being away from the house for any length of time is really scary. I mean, I've always been a homebody, but now... ugh, even just typing about it is freaking me out. Really no wonder I dropped out... again.

Have a smoke, chill out Cal. Go cuddle your aids panda.

On a totally different note, here, have a freaky video with an awesome song: 

I like the album version the song better, but that video is just so... weird. Which is funny for me to say considering I spent all last night watching Tool music videos with Kirsten. But they're kind on a different level.

don't buy pall malls

Had a good night with the roommates and my giant aids panda. She's very cuddly and nice when I'm upset. We talked about horror video games and I convinced them to start watching the Amnesia Let's Play videos. I watched all 20-some videos in one day, and christ that game messes with your head. Later Kirsten and I went out and sat on the porch to watch the storm. It was very calming.

I received a letter from OSAP yesterday telling me that my repayment assistance application was accepted. This is a great relief, seeing as how I submitted it in February. They don't actually assist my repayment, they just defer payment for a few months. Then I reapply. I'm poor enough I can do this indefinitely.... And by "can do this" I mean "I have no other choice because I have no money". I have to reapply again in July.

I picked up some groceries today, and on the way home I picked up the cheapest smokes I could find, which turned out to be Pall Mall. Let's just say I learned my lesson on that one. They're disgusting.

I gave my mom a call and we seem to be more or less good.

Jesus I'm tired. I had something coherent to say but I forget now. I'm going to go get drunk and watch cartoons.

New blog off to a shitty start

So I spent all morning trying to find a nice layout for this stupid thing, going to those cheater pre-made template sites. I finally found one I liked and couldn't get it to work for the life of me. I can't make my own because I forgot all the code I used to know, so hey, fuck that. HAVE SOME WHITE. I was too angry to even look at blogspot again until just now, so hey, posting.

On to my pathetic sad little life.

I finally told my mom I'm not going to school, she took it very well. She wasn't mad, she was disappointed. So I listened to her good-natured speech about how I need to find something to do, that I need to finally get the balls to find another doctor. I don't care what anyone says, phones scare the shit out of me. I was too choked up to say much aside from "Yeah, uh huh." When she finally let me go, I went and stress-vomited.


About the time I stopped vomiting my ex texted me and told me he was thinking about going to the emergency room. I didn't reply, and then he asked me if I was still going to the anime convention we were going to go to before we broke up. I said no, it's hella expensive, I have very little money, and I have an alcohol dependency to feed (well, I didn't say that last part). He said he'd pay if I wanted to join him this weekend. That is just a little too awkward. He was always so touchy about money when we were dating, and now that we're not he'll pay?

"So hey, I was thinking about going and getting myself committed for a couple of days. Also, you still going to that con this weekend?"


I was going to be productive today, you know, get dressed, do the dishes, maybe tidy... but now I think I'll hide in my closet and listen to my imaginary friends tell me that it's going to be okay.

(HAHA JUST KIDDING my pills got rid of my imaginary friends like a year ago)