bleeeeegh

So I look like a cancer patient right now.

I was so sick yesterday. I was puking pretty much constantly for several hours. I burst all the blood vessels around my eyes, so it almost looks like I've been punched in both eyes. Or that I'm wearing a lot of red eyeshadow. Of all the times I've been violently sick, that's never happened to me. Hurray for a new low.

So I just tried to sleep a lot.

I've been off my crazy-meds for almost a week now I think, and after the first few terrible days I feel more or less fine. My appetite has decreased, which is just wonderful. I'm going to talk to my doctor about going onto a pill that won't make me a whale. That would be nice, not being on pills that make me hungry all the fucking time. My doctor isn't going to be back until the 29th, unfortunately. I still have my anti-depressants, because I don't take those quite as religiously as my crazy-pills. I'm very forgetful.

Good news, my AC is still awesome. And I get to look forward going to visit my parents in mid-july. Hopefully my dropping out won't create too much stress between my mom and I. I like visiting her when we don't fight. But when we do, just kill me, please.

That's all for now folks.

Chillin

So Kirsten and I finally got my new AC in, and it's wonderful. I mean, I already kinda miss being able to open my window, but I'm just not good with any kind of change, even if it is for the better. There was much prying and cursing when it came to getting the last few panes of glass out, and surprisingly it was the screen that gave us the most trouble. It's pretty useless now, but I'll deal with that when I have to try to fit it back in.

Here's the AC:


And her's the broken screen:


It's nice to be cool. Today I'm going to help Kirsten put in her AC, and it shouldn't be nearly as difficult since she's already done it a few times.

In stupider news, I'm pretty much out of anti-psychotics and I haven't even made a doctors appointment yet. They always close really early, so by the time I'm awake it's too late to call.

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I laid in bed until long after the sunrise, then eventually I fell asleep for a few hours. I had some pretty horrible, but interesting nightmares.

I'm still tired, I don't have much else to say.

Holy Boobies Batman

Earlier this week I bought an air conditioner for only $88 from Walmart. It was a pain in the ass to get home, but luckily my quasi-roommate came with me to help carry it. I haven't put it in the window yet, because there's some major problems.

I have a small-ish window with sideways sliding panes of glass. There's two interior panes, one that's kinda in the middle layer for some reason, and an outer pane and a screen. The first two panes popped out so easily I didn't bother to see if the others would come out before buying the AC. Now I can't get them out. I'm going to see if I can get Kirsten to take a look at it because she's much handier and probably stronger than me, but she's been really busy.

Also, the window is about four inches to high for the AC. If we did get the glass out and put it in, it would just topple out. So I got two boards from home hardware to prop it up from underneath, but I need to get another one because I underestimated how much I needed to lift it. But I have no idea how these boards are going to stay in the window. I have a metal window frame, so I can't just nail them in. I don't know about trying to screw it together. I'm thinking duct tape, in total desperation.

But christ this has been stressing me out.

Let's Play videos of Minecraft have mostly been keeping me preoccupied. I have decided that somehow I am going to buy that game. It's only available as a download, so I need a credit card or paypal, and I have neither, but somehow I will get it. SOMEHOW. And soon dammit.

BUT YAY CAL IS GOING OUT SOMEWHERE TONIGHT!

Kirsten is performing in a DC comic book themed burlesque show. She's the Joker, which is just all kinds of awesome. I watched her make almost her entire costume from scratch, so I'm mostly going to see how it turned out, even if she won't be wearing much of it for very long. And the whole thing is actually a fundraiser for the Batman shadowcast ballet her and some others are performing in ... August, I think. They're shadowing the old batman movie with Catwoman and Penguin, I can't remember what it's called.

So I better go get ready for that.

in which I talk about a horrible addiction, but not the one you think

There's a whole collection of towels hanging over our shower curtain right now because my neighbor is using our shower because she's dying some costume pieces in her tub. It was really dark on my side of the curtain when I took a shower today, it was like showering in a play-fort or something.

I've spent all day watching minecraft videos. I don't own the game, so I watch someone else play it. I'm extremely boring. I watched two more complete game play-throughs yesterday by the same woman that did the Amnesia videos.

So last time I was out getting groceries I decided to give in and buy some milk. You may not know this about me, but there's something about milk that I find extremely wrong. I mean, I'll totally eat dairy products, but plain milk freaks me out. I got it because my acid indigestion has been so bad that I think I might be developing a hole in my throat. Since getting this milk, I've been like a kid with a tub of ice cream. I just can't get enough of it. I still find it gross, but I can't stop drinking it, even when my acid isn't bothering me. I'm so ashamed TT_TT

Yeah, the acid comes with the excessive drinking thing that I do. I remember an old friend of mine would mix his vodka with milk to help counteract the acid.

I'm almost positive I heard a gunshot this morning. I mean, I've heard plenty of fireworks and thought they were shots, but this did not sound like the fireworks. It also sounded like it was in the alley right behind my house.

I get this tight little knot in my chest every time I think about going out anywhere. It's mostly okay with familiar places, like the corner store, liquor store, and even the mall (for short periods of time), but the idea from being away from the house for any length of time is really scary. I mean, I've always been a homebody, but now... ugh, even just typing about it is freaking me out. Really no wonder I dropped out... again.

Have a smoke, chill out Cal. Go cuddle your aids panda.

On a totally different note, here, have a freaky video with an awesome song: 

I like the album version the song better, but that video is just so... weird. Which is funny for me to say considering I spent all last night watching Tool music videos with Kirsten. But they're kind on a different level.

don't buy pall malls

Had a good night with the roommates and my giant aids panda. She's very cuddly and nice when I'm upset. We talked about horror video games and I convinced them to start watching the Amnesia Let's Play videos. I watched all 20-some videos in one day, and christ that game messes with your head. Later Kirsten and I went out and sat on the porch to watch the storm. It was very calming.

I received a letter from OSAP yesterday telling me that my repayment assistance application was accepted. This is a great relief, seeing as how I submitted it in February. They don't actually assist my repayment, they just defer payment for a few months. Then I reapply. I'm poor enough I can do this indefinitely.... And by "can do this" I mean "I have no other choice because I have no money". I have to reapply again in July.

I picked up some groceries today, and on the way home I picked up the cheapest smokes I could find, which turned out to be Pall Mall. Let's just say I learned my lesson on that one. They're disgusting.

I gave my mom a call and we seem to be more or less good.

Jesus I'm tired. I had something coherent to say but I forget now. I'm going to go get drunk and watch cartoons.

New blog off to a shitty start

So I spent all morning trying to find a nice layout for this stupid thing, going to those cheater pre-made template sites. I finally found one I liked and couldn't get it to work for the life of me. I can't make my own because I forgot all the code I used to know, so hey, fuck that. HAVE SOME WHITE. I was too angry to even look at blogspot again until just now, so hey, posting.

On to my pathetic sad little life.

I finally told my mom I'm not going to school, she took it very well. She wasn't mad, she was disappointed. So I listened to her good-natured speech about how I need to find something to do, that I need to finally get the balls to find another doctor. I don't care what anyone says, phones scare the shit out of me. I was too choked up to say much aside from "Yeah, uh huh." When she finally let me go, I went and stress-vomited.


About the time I stopped vomiting my ex texted me and told me he was thinking about going to the emergency room. I didn't reply, and then he asked me if I was still going to the anime convention we were going to go to before we broke up. I said no, it's hella expensive, I have very little money, and I have an alcohol dependency to feed (well, I didn't say that last part). He said he'd pay if I wanted to join him this weekend. That is just a little too awkward. He was always so touchy about money when we were dating, and now that we're not he'll pay?

"So hey, I was thinking about going and getting myself committed for a couple of days. Also, you still going to that con this weekend?"


I was going to be productive today, you know, get dressed, do the dishes, maybe tidy... but now I think I'll hide in my closet and listen to my imaginary friends tell me that it's going to be okay.

(HAHA JUST KIDDING my pills got rid of my imaginary friends like a year ago)